Saturday, September 19, 2009

Pitfalls of Self-Help

One can only ready so many life-hacking blogs and ascertain so much knowledge as to what they should do to get out of an emotional rut. More oft than not, I think, in reading those blogs we don't really seek out the knowledge they offer us, but a way out of our immediate predicament.

It feels good to know there is a solution to our discomfort and reading ways we can alleviate it makes us feel awesome. And we usually stop there, and that's a problem, because nothing is really solved.

I heard someone once refer to emotions like the changing weather, sadness, happiness, frustration all come and go in their own time.

We've got find a way to live where we can receive wisdom and still live in a real way. Not a numb, paralyzed fear of not beinf comfortable, of confronting opposition.

I think we need to take ourselves back. If we're responsible and sober minded with ourselves, I think we'll be able to deal better. We've got to not be afraid to shine in the way only we do. And not only that, we've got to be okay with other people seeing and calling us on that shine.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Pre_Move-In Contemplations and Assertations

I've been floating around on the internet for about an hour now, trying to come up with some sort of inspirational statement, something that I've learned over the course of training that I can carry over with me into tomorrow when the residents move in. Truth be told, I always feel as if I've learned a lot. It's always difficult to pin point that one defining truth that has made all the difference. I've come to accept that those "defining truths" most likely don't exist, but are rather the visual culmination of a series of tipping points and decisions made over the course of time.

If that's the case, then where I'm at now is due a lot more to an attitude and perspective given as a gift by those I've met and by those who teach me. I owe thanks and gratitude and am in debt. There is a strength required of me to rise to the level of life I am living on now. Looking to the past won't do any good because the past is incomplete training. The future can't be foreseen, only projected and theorized, and I'm not living in theory. All I've got to go off of is the now, these moments strung together and the imprints left upon me by those moments of impact.

Langston Hughes asked, "what happens to a dream deferred?" I've resolved I don't want to find out the answer of that question, and I don't think he ever intended us to discover it. All the options are the opposite for what we want in our lives, what we need in them.

So let dreams fly, live, breathe and go forth. Bring the horizon to your doorstep and walk out into it boldly, with friends and lovers at your side. Never discount those who are in your life, be them odd or queer. Make your opportunities, don't wait for them to be handed to you. Throw your weight around, be known, be heard, fall in love and fall hard.

And if people don't understand, to hell with them, because they aren't really living.

Keep it simple. Keep it light and keep it tight.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Plans, Measures, & Escape Hatches

Most nights before I go to sleep, I remind myself that somewhere in the world, my future wife sleeps. Just as I put my head down to rest, she closes her eyes and gently tosses and turns as she drifts away. And in the morning, we'll both wake up, brush our teeth, and continue to make our way closer to each other.

And the lawns my children will play on are being cultivated. The ground upon which they will scrape their little knees and the wood that will build the house that they;ll grow up in is growing as sure as I am.

Every step I take brings me closer to these dreams. Regardless of the plans I make, the measures I take, or the hatches I build so I can escape, everything I do brings me closer. I'm comforted by this.

Maybe I've met her already. I can't help but think I may have. I always compare the company I keep to that of the girls I'm interested in. It's always different, and I suppose that's a good thing, but I hope one day to find a good fit, like an old glove.

I've blown off some pretty amazing people for some incredibly silly reasons. Then I think, maybe I didn't blow them off, but they weren't the company I was supposed to keep, regardless of their awesomeness.

Who's to say in the moment.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Our Great Inheritance

All I wanted was to talk to a friend
Shoot the breeze
Kick the shit.

Instead I sat at the screen
Watching their names flit across the panel
Green turned yellow:
They'd gone idle.

Green turned red:
They'd gotten a life.

All the while all I got was
Angry because 2 minutes had passed and no one noticed I was on.

Our greatest inheritance really was passivity
Because if Adam gave me anything else
I wouldn't be sitting here.

Life, as I understand it.

When did I begin to choose my friends, to choose the ones who raise me?
Who told me I was to decide who broke my heart and railed me?

Long have I built both wall and moat to surround my ransomed heart,
Set up a world apart from Thee, far from my crucial part.

Darkness clouds my every morrow, assures I cannot survive
Blessed, before the day is done, to know my soul is alive!

With loving, just, and holy hands You keep me in preserve
While in my heart of hearts I know 'tis more than I deserve.

But I am destined to become Your son, a warrior, fierce and wild,
My training, at last, has now begun, be more than meek and mild!

Each day I lift my voice to shout, each night I watch You gently
For my heart rejoices not in that life, but in this that You gave me.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

What We Have.

Most days end with my asking, "Who was I today?" and "Who will I be tomorrow?". Both stem from the broader question, "Who am I?". That last one was never enough, but the need for answer thrives nonetheless. I thought the answer would be found in a more specific directing of the question, but truth be had, the more specific I tried to be, the more complicated and convoluted things got.

We can really be anything. Do anything. There's not much stopping us other than ourselves (or what may at first to be what we tell ourselves, which ends up being ourselves). Asking who we are is like asking a prism what color it is. All depends on the angle and the light.

The only dynamic part of ourselves, I believe, are the things we have. That which we carry with us, and within us, truly dictates where we want to go. You want to be bad, you'll gravitate toward bad things. You want to be good, you will gravitate towards those things that inspire good with you. But aren't we more dynamic than that? My experience tells me that while we gravitate, another factor is in play.

Choices. We all make our choices in life, and that is truly what determines our path, more so than who we are. And we will make choices depended upon what we hold within us, which eventually becomes a part of us, and that part of us eventually converts everything else into us. We are what we have.

In a way, I suppose we choose what we have as well. There is an important distinction to make here, however. When I say "We are what we have", I do not mean that we are the material things we surround ourselves with (while our environment does play a role in determining the outcome, I do not think it is the primary, driving force). I mean those things which we value at the core of our being, within our hearts. Be it love, justice, power, or beauty. Those things which we treasure become us in the end.

We are what we have.

Monday, July 6, 2009

An Embrace and a Departure

Something you should know about this bit of writing
I couldn't sleep. I felt weighed down under the breadth and depth of my natural self, which isn't a very pleasant self when you're trying to avoid it. But into my mind popped a little story about a fisherman being called to follow God incarnate. I flipped immediately to Luke, found the section of verses and began to pour out writing like...a writer or something crazy like that. Essentially, what I'm trying to say is that this writing is divinely inspired. I used to not think this could ever happen. But it does. Praise be to the one and only Almighty God whom deserves all our worship and selves! I hope this is as helpful to you to read as it was for me to write. Peace be with you!

A collection of spoils occupies most rooms. Trophies and relics that conjure up memories of battles won and times long past. These things remind us of what we have accomplished, what we have learned, and most importantly, who we believe ourselves to be.

Imagine stepping away from those memories, those shrines we've erected to remember ourselves. It's frightening to wonder who you would be if all your "stuff" wasn't in play, but is that not what Christ asked of us? When we accepted Jesus into our lives and began to hold the Gospel as truth, things had to change. That precedent was set by Christ himself in Luke's account of the calling of the first disciples (and I'm sure among many other places, but for now, this is where I'd like to place my focus).

Jesus comes upon Simon Peter while he, James and John are washing their nets. Jesus, being pressed in by the crowd, asks Simon for one of his boats to teach from. Upon finishing his teaching, Jesus calls to Simon, telling him to place his nets in another location. Keep in mind that Simon and his crew are fishermen by trade and would have known that stretch of sea better than anyone. Jesus, who is at this point a strange rabbi to them (not thought to be a fishing expert) tells them to put the nets in a random spot. Doesn't add up.

But Simon humors Jesus, and to his astonishment, winds up with loads and loads of fish. He proceeds to acknowledge Christ as Lord, claiming the absolute truth that he himself is a sinful man, which in his mind means that the Lord should turn away from him.

My interest peaks here. Simon Peter sees Jesus for who He is (not fully, but enough to realize who he's dealing with) or rather, Jesus reveals Himself (not in His full glory, however) to him. I would have thought that in itself would be enough. That singular recognition is what I ha, for awhile (up until reading some very influential and powerful Christian literature which I will cite later) based my life upon. Knowing who Christ is was enough.

It gets better. Not only does Simon acknowledge Jesus as Lord, he also understands the depth of his inadequacy in Christ's presence:

Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord (Luke 5:8)

Again, I figured this was where the buck stopped. To know who Jesus is and understand that I am wretched and destitute in my heart, at the core of my being, what more could there possibly be to learn? (At this point, I would add that truly knowing Jesus means you would know what comes next.)

As I have lived my life, this was the very end of the line. Without realizing it, life from here looks pretty bleak. Praise be to God that the truth forges on. Jesus, after these two revelations of Simon Peter, speaks to Simon:

Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men (Luke 5:10).

Jesus addresses two very deep longings here, feelings I have felt left untouched and misunderstood my whole life up until now. First, "Do not be afraid...". Jesus calms Simon immediately in his recognition of his sinfulness. Essentially, Jesus says, "Hey man, it's cool, don't trip." (I apologize if this upsets you. For clarity's sake, this is not in the Bible under any translation.) So Simon can relax.

Secondly, "...from now on you will be catching men." Jesus not only tells Simon he can relax (which I believe infers that his sinfulness can be forgiven. Hallelujah!) but he gives him something to do. We call this purpose and meaning, the thing most of us spend our lives looking for. Bam. Christ gives it to Simon Peter on a silver platter (albeit a very challenging dish lies upon that platter, but no one will taste anything closer to the truth than that meal. Mmm delicious.)

That makes three astonishing instances so far (the crux, and most direct part for us to follow coming up, hang in there): 1) Simon recognizes Jesus as the Jesus we know and love, 2) Simon acknowledges his sinfulness, and 3) Jesus puts Simon at ease and gives him a job. Here's the kick in the pants for us:

And when they had brought their boats to land, they left everything and followed him (Luke 5:11).

Everything. They wrapped up their immediate business, (it would have been tough, though not impossible, to start following while in the middle of the sea. Land is an equally good place to start from) dropped all their relics, trophies, shrines, and memories to follow Jesus.

There is no holding on to what you were. Christ demands the whole of you. Not your weekends and holidays, but your every day. You must give it all up or your soul will be tormented and your heart will never find peace (this, I have experienced. Not pleasant, trust me.) Though following Jesus proved to be the most grueling internship in history, it was only the beginning of the disciples blessed eternal lives.

We too, as Christians in the truest, most ancient sense of the word, have to get this point (among a few others, but this is a good place to start). It is hard, but it's also terribly easy. The door can be revealed to you, but only you can walk through it.

Read these:

Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis
Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer

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