What We Have.

Most days end with my asking, "Who was I today?" and "Who will I be tomorrow?". Both stem from the broader question, "Who am I?". That last one was never enough, but the need for answer thrives nonetheless. I thought the answer would be found in a more specific directing of the question, but truth be had, the more specific I tried to be, the more complicated and convoluted things got.

We can really be anything. Do anything. There's not much stopping us other than ourselves (or what may at first to be what we tell ourselves, which ends up being ourselves). Asking who we are is like asking a prism what color it is. All depends on the angle and the light.

The only dynamic part of ourselves, I believe, are the things we have. That which we carry with us, and within us, truly dictates where we want to go. You want to be bad, you'll gravitate toward bad things. You want to be good, you will gravitate towards those things that inspire good with you. But aren't we more dynamic than that? My experience tells me that while we gravitate, another factor is in play.

Choices. We all make our choices in life, and that is truly what determines our path, more so than who we are. And we will make choices depended upon what we hold within us, which eventually becomes a part of us, and that part of us eventually converts everything else into us. We are what we have.

In a way, I suppose we choose what we have as well. There is an important distinction to make here, however. When I say "We are what we have", I do not mean that we are the material things we surround ourselves with (while our environment does play a role in determining the outcome, I do not think it is the primary, driving force). I mean those things which we value at the core of our being, within our hearts. Be it love, justice, power, or beauty. Those things which we treasure become us in the end.

We are what we have.

An Embrace and a Departure

Something you should know about this bit of writing
I couldn't sleep. I felt weighed down under the breadth and depth of my natural self, which isn't a very pleasant self when you're trying to avoid it. But into my mind popped a little story about a fisherman being called to follow God incarnate. I flipped immediately to Luke, found the section of verses and began to pour out writing like...a writer or something crazy like that. Essentially, what I'm trying to say is that this writing is divinely inspired. I used to not think this could ever happen. But it does. Praise be to the one and only Almighty God whom deserves all our worship and selves! I hope this is as helpful to you to read as it was for me to write. Peace be with you!

A collection of spoils occupies most rooms. Trophies and relics that conjure up memories of battles won and times long past. These things remind us of what we have accomplished, what we have learned, and most importantly, who we believe ourselves to be.

Imagine stepping away from those memories, those shrines we've erected to remember ourselves. It's frightening to wonder who you would be if all your "stuff" wasn't in play, but is that not what Christ asked of us? When we accepted Jesus into our lives and began to hold the Gospel as truth, things had to change. That precedent was set by Christ himself in Luke's account of the calling of the first disciples (and I'm sure among many other places, but for now, this is where I'd like to place my focus).

Jesus comes upon Simon Peter while he, James and John are washing their nets. Jesus, being pressed in by the crowd, asks Simon for one of his boats to teach from. Upon finishing his teaching, Jesus calls to Simon, telling him to place his nets in another location. Keep in mind that Simon and his crew are fishermen by trade and would have known that stretch of sea better than anyone. Jesus, who is at this point a strange rabbi to them (not thought to be a fishing expert) tells them to put the nets in a random spot. Doesn't add up.

But Simon humors Jesus, and to his astonishment, winds up with loads and loads of fish. He proceeds to acknowledge Christ as Lord, claiming the absolute truth that he himself is a sinful man, which in his mind means that the Lord should turn away from him.

My interest peaks here. Simon Peter sees Jesus for who He is (not fully, but enough to realize who he's dealing with) or rather, Jesus reveals Himself (not in His full glory, however) to him. I would have thought that in itself would be enough. That singular recognition is what I ha, for awhile (up until reading some very influential and powerful Christian literature which I will cite later) based my life upon. Knowing who Christ is was enough.

It gets better. Not only does Simon acknowledge Jesus as Lord, he also understands the depth of his inadequacy in Christ's presence:

Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord (Luke 5:8)

Again, I figured this was where the buck stopped. To know who Jesus is and understand that I am wretched and destitute in my heart, at the core of my being, what more could there possibly be to learn? (At this point, I would add that truly knowing Jesus means you would know what comes next.)

As I have lived my life, this was the very end of the line. Without realizing it, life from here looks pretty bleak. Praise be to God that the truth forges on. Jesus, after these two revelations of Simon Peter, speaks to Simon:

Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men (Luke 5:10).

Jesus addresses two very deep longings here, feelings I have felt left untouched and misunderstood my whole life up until now. First, "Do not be afraid...". Jesus calms Simon immediately in his recognition of his sinfulness. Essentially, Jesus says, "Hey man, it's cool, don't trip." (I apologize if this upsets you. For clarity's sake, this is not in the Bible under any translation.) So Simon can relax.

Secondly, "...from now on you will be catching men." Jesus not only tells Simon he can relax (which I believe infers that his sinfulness can be forgiven. Hallelujah!) but he gives him something to do. We call this purpose and meaning, the thing most of us spend our lives looking for. Bam. Christ gives it to Simon Peter on a silver platter (albeit a very challenging dish lies upon that platter, but no one will taste anything closer to the truth than that meal. Mmm delicious.)


That makes three astonishing instances so far (the crux, and most direct part for us to follow coming up, hang in there): 1) Simon recognizes Jesus as the Jesus we know and love, 2) Simon acknowledges his sinfulness, and 3) Jesus puts Simon at ease and gives him a job. Here's the kick in the pants for us:

And when they had brought their boats to land, they left everything and followed him (Luke 5:11).

Everything. They wrapped up their immediate business, (it would have been tough, though not impossible, to start following while in the middle of the sea. Land is an equally good place to start from) dropped all their relics, trophies, shrines, and memories to follow Jesus.

There is no holding on to what you were. Christ demands the whole of you. Not your weekends and holidays, but your every day. You must give it all up or your soul will be tormented and your heart will never find peace (this, I have experienced. Not pleasant, trust me.) Though following Jesus proved to be the most grueling internship in history, it was only the beginning of the disciples blessed eternal lives.

We too, as Christians in the truest, most ancient sense of the word, have to get this point (among a few others, but this is a good place to start). It is hard, but it's also terribly easy. The door can be revealed to you, but only you can walk through it.

Read these:

Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis
Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Avast! Off the Mast!

I've got a list of things to do this summer. First thing on that list is to make the list. Boy, I enjoy this :)

Anchorage-

Never seen the sky so deep
Clouds pried her open
Universe fell inside.

Old man sat there spitting,
Spitting into a rusty bucket.

While homes washed away
Wind shattered glass,
World ran for its life.

Old man sat.
Watching.
Spitting.

He saw
Cats floating on broken doors
Dolls bobbing in flooded cars
Children dancing on the high dive.

He saw panic and triumph
The weak and the fallen.

Old man breathed.

"Drop anchor, boys! "

Some Commentary on the "Last Airbender" Race Controversy

There is a movement against M. Night Shyamalan's upcoming movie, "The Last Airbender" on account of the actors cast to portray the main characters are predominantly white and should be representing a different ethnic culture.

The most uproar came from the casting of Jesse McCartney to portray Zuko, the secondary antagonist of the first film. I myself was frustrated by this casting choice because I didn't feel Mr. McCartney had the chops to play such an intricate character. Thankfully, he has been replaced by Dev Patel, star of "Slumdog Millionaire", adding much needed diversity to the cast.

So the main qualms with the casting now are that the darker, brown people have become the villains of the franchise, while the white kids are cast as heroes. While nothing can be done at this point because of casting except a boycott of the film upon its release, people have continued to complain that this was an injustice to diversity and the uniqueness of the individual eastern cultures the movie is attempting to portray.

I present this different viewpoint to their argument.

The original series, "Avatar: The Last Airbender", was drawn with these cultural differences in mind. Each of the four nations had a distinct ethnic background and rich history apparent in their dress, way of speech, and practices. So why, then, was the original cartoon not boycotted when the voices of the main characters were that of white people and the villains of the series voiced by darker, ethnic people? Sokka and Aang were both voiced by white actors, as were Katara and Toph. Zuko, the presumed villain, was voiced by Dante Basco, and Iroh, originally, was voiced by Mako.

The same casting happened in the cartoon as did in the movie.

Now, without being told this, you may not be able to guess that this was the case, and that is not because the actors had a cartoon to hide behind. I argue that it is because of the depth and believability they brought to their characters. They breathed a life into the show with their voices, and portrayed the ethnic diversity beautifully.

So why can't the actors on screen do the same? If diversity stops at the surface of the skin, then yes, they are doomed to fail. But in this day and age, I would hope more oft than not we would ere on the side of believing diversity is more about what one carries in their heart and mind.

I do understand the argument against these actors. There is a wealth of actors from specific ethnic backgrounds that could have played these roles to the "t". But we must keep in mind that this movie is being made for Americans by Americans (not to mention it was created by two white guys). The cultural sensitivity is borne into this story. The people at the helm get that because it is intricately woven into the storyline from beginning to end. Race is important to the story, but it isn't the main attraction.

There is so much more going on. "The Last Airbender" will touch on genocide, war, censorship, responsibility, destiny, inner-conflict, peace...the list goes on. We should be concerned that these themes and motifs get across, regardless of how dark or light the actors portraying them are.

Another point. Zuko, who those who oppose the casting for the movie say is the villain, forget that Zuko is one of the most complicated, unique, and challenging character to play in the entire movie. His character will blossom in ways many of the others will not and it is an honor that of all the characters to cast, they got that one right, as far as ethnicity goes. And they have built up the entire cast of the fire nation with strong Indian actors who will undoubtedly bring a much needed depth and richness to the portrayal of the fire nation.

As for Aang, Sokka, and Katara, I am sure these actors will do well with the roles they've been given. I am sure the will come to understand what they represent. We have to remember that this is a Nickelodeon funded film as well. Nickelodeon, founded in the US, has on their hands what may very well be their best feature film yet. It may do wonders for their international notoriety. They know what is at stake if they botch the cultural aspects of this film. They know what's at stake.

Again, race is not the big issue, nor is it that big of a deal in the context of this film. No one is being portrayed as less than white or worse off than white. If they stick to the core of the original series, this will be one movie that supports and cultivates diversity in the minds of those who view it. So there are a couple of white kids at the helm of that. Some would argue they are the ones who need a lesson in diversity the most.

Let them play their roles and let us just enjoy that one of the best cartoons to ever be on television is become a live-action movie!

For more information about the movement against the casting of "The Last Airbender", visit www.racebending.com. For information about the film itself and the new teaser trailer, visit www.thelastairbendermovie.com.

***Oh, and I just found this out, the voice of Fire Lord Ozai is Mark Hamill. How's that for a twist?***

a rambling.

I was staring out the window from the back seat of my mom's Volvo on our way to a jazz concert for Father's Day when the weight of conflict broke my back. I've been told since I've come back home that I seem gloomy and that I should deal with the things that are weighing me down, and I've begun work on that, but man, the things that are causing me distress are really...distressing.

One thing that sticks out to me now is that the world (or society, either will work) that we live in isn't conducive to the types of things I want to see in my life. I want to walk the earth with nothing but some faith, food, and skills, like being able to make really good tea or give killer massages or have really good, open conversations. Just meet with people who do good, honest work and grow from my travels.

But in this lovely capitalistic economy, it's nearly impossible to drop off the grid, let alone meet someone doing good, honest work for the sake of doing good, honest work.

And when I reflect on it, maybe walking the Earth isn't the best thing for me right now, because while God is sustaining me, he's barely an afterthought in my life right now. So actually, maybe walking the Earth would force me to rely, and that's good, right?

But I'm not walking the Earth anytime soon. That's the conflict. So what is my life supposed to look like? I just feel as if I was born for another time most of the time.

I guess that's it.

Throw Hands Together

I'm sitting here in my kitchen next to all the stuff from my room in Sierra Madre listening to my iTunes. Strawberry Swing (Coldplay) came on and the biggest smile swept across my face and I started laughing uncontrollably. It's amazing that music can do that to you. All I want to do is throw my hands together and swirl around violently.

I didn't do much today, but I realized how living in a res. hall really can make you selfish, lazy, and ungrateful. I sat here the whole day not eating because I didn't want to make myself a sandwhich. I did eventually, but it's crazy, right? My parents stocked the frigde with food they like to eat, but it's food. Good food. The years of them stocking the fridge with sugary treats and meat are long gone, it's all about weird health foods and you know what, they've earned that, deserve that, and there's no room for me to complain.

This summer is about figuring out what I do. I say a lot. Think a lot. But I want to know what I do.

It's been a good start!

Traveling Spirits

When I think about how I want to spend my life, I realize it's not what I'm doing now. I want to explore things. Experience old and new places. Create stories to share. I don't want a career, I want to go on an adventure.

Does this make me a wayfarer? Does this mean my soul is restless? I feel that way now, but who's to say I won't want to settle down in a month or so.

I'm waiting for that day when I'll stop making mistakes and excuses. When I'll pick up all that I am and just have at life. I just don't feel like I was made to sit on my butt and read books. Not that I don't love to read, I'm just so antsy to get out there and do something these days.

It's been a rough quarter, getting even rougher as it winds down. Maybe I just need to get away.