it was a strange time in my life...

My mom loves telling me about my childhood, asking me if I remember her reading me Where The Wild Things Are or my sucker fish Oscar. I never really spent much time thinking about what I was like as a kid, but with all the stories and pictures, I figured I should give it a shot.

Looking through photographs, I can tell I was a very happy kid, always smiling. I was also pretty sincere. If I was upset, I showed it. If I was excited, you would know. I think my face looks the same, but there was something easier about it back then, something of joy and wonderment.

I DO remember my mom reading me that book, and the trailer that just came out makes me incredibly excited for October 16th. The song in the trailer, Wake Up by Arcade Fire, warns that if you listen to the lie we're told, to bury your emotions and carry on, you'll wake up one day a whole lot colder than you used to be.

There is a part of me that wants to reclaim the sincerity of my youth. Another part thinks it cannot be done. I think there is some jollity to be made.

Sometimes I think we can learn more from children than we can from adults. When we're kids, we don't have all the fluff that comes with experience clouding our thinking and making us fearful. No one really ever taught us to clear our minds of the clutter because no one really knows how. Doesn't mean we shouldn't try, because I have a feeling there is much to be discovered about who we are by just having a talk with the little one in our chests.

Wake up!

sleep all day

Being at home always presents its challenges. There's a lot of baggage that gets towed back and forth between college and here. I'm fortunate to have a lot of friends from high school I'm still in touch with, but with them comes all that once was. Most of it good, but in the cracks between lie shadows of dissension, most of the time better left unaddressed.

Today I am laaaaazy. My allergies have ben acting up, so its made more sense for me to just stay inside. Today I'm not entirely happy and it feels good to say that. Sincerity abound!

Spring break is drawing to a close. I need to program for next quarter...

should-a, would-a, could-a...

She walked in the room with her boyfriend. Not her new boyfriend, but her recently re-instated boyfriend. You've got to understand, when there's a room full of people and I know she'll be coming, there is no one else in the room. I can't sit still until she's around.

Okay, okay, I shouldn't care so much, but the truth is I do. Truth is, I've never really done anything about it. I'm cool with that. In fact, I breathe easy knowing I never did anything with that. Maybe a little too cool because I didn't say hello tonight when he was there. And I could have sworn I saw her looking my way. It's funny, cause that's the only time I've had that feeling.

Yes, I should have said hello. I should have said hello.

Thankfully I'll be home within the next 24 hours for the first time since the end of Winter Break. This Spring Holiday has been pretty healing so far. Let's hope it continues on the trip down.

you're gonna carry that weight...

The halls are empty and I can't help but wonder what makes this place what it is.

Since the 60's, Sierra Madre has been here. Every year, a new group of residents move in to inhabit its prison-like shell. Regardless of the time, they become known for partying and general rioting. Does this place make them who they are, or does this place just attract that kind of person?

If I had consciousness as a baby, would I be who I am today or am I a collection of my experiences?

A line from The Fisherman by Anis Mojgani replays itself in my head. He empties himself.

I think the most crucial thing we must remember about life is that we are never alone. Someone, whether they know it or not, is in it with us, and we with them. We are never alone.

At the same time, nothing about this life is about us. As much as capitalism and consumerism would like us to believe we are the most important things individually, we all know we're not. Humanity is important, but not for the sake of itself. There's plenty of proof that says the world would be much better off without us.

But we are here and here in force. And we are capable of such beauty. We must empty ourselves of ourselves. Rid ourselves of that which keeps us from accepting the truths that don't need any justification.

Cause if you don't, you're gonna carry that weight.

And you were never meant to.

a little better.

We are all asking the same questions.

Funny thing is, we look to others for the answers. Hoping somewhere along the way we will find that guru on the mountain top to assuage our deepest fears and affirm all that we believe to be good in the world. To set us on the right path.

I have a feeling if that if there was such a guru, he would be bored to tears.

One of my favorite songs of all time is All The Things You Are. I like the instrumental version by Sonny Rollins the best. When I listen to it, I am reminded that there is not much that really matters. Regardless of what you try to to do, all the things you are will always be bared and laid before the world. So why not be bombastic and outrageous? We are all heading toward the same finish line anyhow.

I have my questions. I have my doubts. Every time I try to build up a structure of values and beliefs to combat them, all I am left with is their ruins. The things that remain, those things that I would believe if I was an animal with no thought, those things I hold on to. Everything else I let go.

Let me flow man. Let my decisions flow from my action that rides on the currents of righteousness, all that is good and holy. Because we are all terrible and it does not matter. What matters is that we were made to serve and that WE CAN serve. That is what matters. The only valid question is:

Will you or won't you?

Just a thought.

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Have I Found You?

Have I found you?

I am 20 years old and my legs are ashy.

I've wanted to be 6 feet tall for as long as I can remember, and was always told that one day, I'd reach it. I'm about 5' 10 3/4". Close enough, right?

Even though I didn't go home on Friday, I definitely think it was one of the best birthday's I have ever had (Only second to the great Lion King/Clown birthday bash of '96). My friends up here, the ones I see every day and the ones I don't, are beyond spectacular. They make me feel that if I've done anything at all in my life, I've been able to surround myself with remarkable people. They are a blessing. I love them all.

My great grandfather turned 95 today. How crazy is that? I spoke to him on the phone while he was at his party. I imagine he was wearing a bright colored suit, bolo tie, and large cowboy hat (back when he lived on his farm in Oklahoma, he had his own radio show and was known throughout the county as the "Colored Cowboy"). He told me that he was sad I couldn't be there, but he knew I was taking care of business up here. He also told me how proud he was of me, how talented and gifted he thought I was, and how he knows I'll do great things for my people.

I meant only to wish him happy birthday, and he commended me to do great deeds on this earth.

It's about that time, isn't it? To lay down the childish ways and take up the things that make men men? The weight of my mortality weighs on me heavy these days. Every day I awake gasping quietly for air, remembering my dreams of the earth, but bigger, of people, but more real people.

So who am I? What do I want in this life? Who do I want?

This life. This is quite the life isn't it?

I am no closer to answering any of these questions than I was years ago. I've been feverish, but now I know that no one really knows. We die hoping we know, but we never know. So hold on to the things that are true. Love what you love. Know what you know. Say what you want to say. Do what you do. Out of that, something genuine will have to come out, no?

When I think of how I want to dress, what I want my style to be, there's only room in my mind for Kerouac and Newman. Those men who did what they did and did it well.

That's how I want to be remembered. Aaron did what he loved and did it well. That's enough.

I love Jesus. Let's start there, shall we?

20. It only gets more real from here. Thanks for being on the ride with me.

Over and out.

...Captain

So there's this girl. She's older than me and incredibly mature. Like, works two jobs, goes to school, and is 26 old. She's gorgeous and in my major. She IS a woman.

Too bad she makes me feel like an altar boy. S'okay though, we're making progress. I can learn a lot from her.

I actually have a lot to learn. A lot to figure out. I'm really feeling this whole creative writing thing. Law sounds pretty good too, and I'm glad I've got the tools to figure out what it is I need to do and move forward. Thank Goodness for the Career Center!

This week is threatening to kill me. But you know what I've decided? I'm the captain and I'm gonna make it happen. These next two weeks need to be ready, cause I'm full steam ahead!