Saturday, May 2, 2009

up in the air...

I had an idea last year for a radio show, something in the vein of This American Life. Even came up with a title, only thing I struggled with was actually bringing the idea to fruition. The plans stayed up in the air.

And this year, there's a show that's doing exactly what I had envisioned.

That's my mentality. Keep things up in the air and if they work out, more power to you, but if they don't, you never had any stake in it anyway. This is the pen I've written my story with.

The bulk of my struggle with the futility mentality rests partly in this separate but similar "up-in-the-air" mentality. Both say it's not up to me to decide whether or not something happens. Which means anything I do is useless, that there isn't anything I can do.

But there has to be, right? And maybe trying to find what I can do in some ethereal brain dumping isn't the answer. Maybe the answer is right in front of my face, in the reality I'm reach out to find.

There's truth everywhere. We've got to claim the truth we know to be...true. And if I believe this to be true, then maybe something else in my thinking is off.

I'm tired of creative writing. Of using metaphors to explain how I feel, to work through my emotions. I want to be blunt and straight-forward. I want my yes to be yes and my no to be no. And when I'm finished speaking or thinking, I don't want to qualify it. I just want to be



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