Sunday, March 15, 2009

Have I Found You?

Have I found you?

I am 20 years old and my legs are ashy.

I've wanted to be 6 feet tall for as long as I can remember, and was always told that one day, I'd reach it. I'm about 5' 10 3/4". Close enough, right?

Even though I didn't go home on Friday, I definitely think it was one of the best birthday's I have ever had (Only second to the great Lion King/Clown birthday bash of '96). My friends up here, the ones I see every day and the ones I don't, are beyond spectacular. They make me feel that if I've done anything at all in my life, I've been able to surround myself with remarkable people. They are a blessing. I love them all.

My great grandfather turned 95 today. How crazy is that? I spoke to him on the phone while he was at his party. I imagine he was wearing a bright colored suit, bolo tie, and large cowboy hat (back when he lived on his farm in Oklahoma, he had his own radio show and was known throughout the county as the "Colored Cowboy"). He told me that he was sad I couldn't be there, but he knew I was taking care of business up here. He also told me how proud he was of me, how talented and gifted he thought I was, and how he knows I'll do great things for my people.

I meant only to wish him happy birthday, and he commended me to do great deeds on this earth.

It's about that time, isn't it? To lay down the childish ways and take up the things that make men men? The weight of my mortality weighs on me heavy these days. Every day I awake gasping quietly for air, remembering my dreams of the earth, but bigger, of people, but more real people.

So who am I? What do I want in this life? Who do I want?

This life. This is quite the life isn't it?

I am no closer to answering any of these questions than I was years ago. I've been feverish, but now I know that no one really knows. We die hoping we know, but we never know. So hold on to the things that are true. Love what you love. Know what you know. Say what you want to say. Do what you do. Out of that, something genuine will have to come out, no?

When I think of how I want to dress, what I want my style to be, there's only room in my mind for Kerouac and Newman. Those men who did what they did and did it well.

That's how I want to be remembered. Aaron did what he loved and did it well. That's enough.

I love Jesus. Let's start there, shall we?

20. It only gets more real from here. Thanks for being on the ride with me.

Over and out.


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